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If you remember the Abbot and Costello skit of "Who's on First" you will
love this one. For all of us who are occasionally befuddled by computers
and all of the newer electronics this is hilarious...read it all the
way.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello , and too old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of
us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.............]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=465#465 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=429#429
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self .]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=429#429 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=425#425
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE OBAMA VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The MSNBC NEWS shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The American press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democratic Party, Greenpeace, PETA and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The MSNBC NEWS, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.

Joe Biden rants in an interview with Anderson Cooper that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Washington DC city center.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to America as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Americas' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in America.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching America 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in America ...

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=425#425 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=424#424
WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was g oing up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your do ors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and coun ted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

0D


(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=424#424 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=422#422
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=422#422 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=418#418 it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table .. everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for free ser vices; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor; your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other than our flag are
squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop.]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=418#418 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=416#416
This free website sitemap creator will generate a site map for you up to 500 pages. Since most of you do not have 500 visible pages I think this demonstration will help clarify how this CMS system works to your advantage.

Go to:

http://www.xml-sitemaps.com/

Enter your website front end address:

Code:

www.yourdomain.com

Allow the program to run, it will take a few minutes.

Once the program completes look at the html version of your site map and note that in many instances it did not complete because you have more than 500 indexable pages. From the casual users point of view it appears to be a much lower number of pages however from the robots who index the web for the search engines the number is much higher. All this does if give your site indexing power unavailable to your competition unless they are using a similar system. Most of your competition is not using a similar system they only have what you are using for a front end. Oh and I have a sitemap installed in each of your sites that is not visible to the casual user but is readable by the robots that do the indexing. This is a different sitemap than the one you see listed in your portal menu.

Neat huh?]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=416#416 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=413#413
Ingredients

1 box yellow cake mix
4oz butter
4 eggs
1-lb. confectioners powdered sugar
8 oz cream cheese

Step One

Preheat oven to 350 degree
Grease 8x10x2 baking dish

Step Two

Combine cake mix butter and two eggs. Spread evenly into baking dish

Step Three

Combine sugar, cream cheese, and two eggs
Spread evenly over cake mix

Step Four

Bake 30 to 40 minutes at 350 degrees.

Contributed by Wayne]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=413#413 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=411#411



In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'



------------
--------- --------- --------- ----



Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.



------------
--------- --------- --------- ----



The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone...



------------
--------- --------- --------- ----



Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.



------------
-- ------------ --------- --------



Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.



------------
--------- --------- --------- ----



Coca-Cola was
originally green.



------------
--------- --------- --------- ----


It is impossible to lick
your elbow.



------------
--------- --------- --------- ----



The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

------------
--------- --------- --------- ----



The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)



------------
--------- --------- --------- ----



The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400


------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------


The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour:

61,000

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------


Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.



------------
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- -

The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:




Spades - King David


Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds - Julius
Caesar


------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------


If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.




------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------


Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?



A. Their birthplace


------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------




Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?



A.
Obsession

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------


Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?



A. One
thousand

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------


Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?



A. All were invented
by women.



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?


A.
Honey


------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------


Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?



A. Father's
Day


------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---






In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.




------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'



It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!




------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

-



Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.



I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?



------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...



1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.




4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen




8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee




11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.



14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list


~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.


Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.]]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=411#411 http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=404#404
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?']]> no_email@example.com (jlajax) http://jlajax.com/tggi/html/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=404#404